alles nur geklaut...

die frage ist nur wer von wem das geklaut hat
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=3344223

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The Principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

When Farrah Fawcett arrived in heaven God granted her one wish. She wished for all the children on the Earth to be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson.

omg

Kommt ein Mädchen ohne Arme in die Eisdiele.
Fragt der Eisverkäufer: "Na meine kleine was möchtest Du denn?"
Darauf Sie: "Egal fällt eh runter."

das bild ist der brüller

gol biste net auch bayern fan? und hattest des oberteil net gestern auch an?

Vater Hai ist mit seinem Sohn unterwegs. Plötzlich schwimmt über ihnen eine Gruppe Menschen.

Sagt Vater Hai: So, mein Sohn, nun tauchen wir soweit auf, dass nur die obere Hälfte unserer Rückenflosse zu sehen
ist und drehen zwei drei Runden um die Schwimmer!

Gesagt, getan!

Vater Hai: So, und
nun machen wir das nochmal, lassen aber die ganze Rückenflosse rausschauen!

Also drehen sie nochmals ein paar Runden um die Schwimmer und tauchen dann wieder ab.



Vater Hai: Nun, mein Sohn, von unten ran und fressen! Das machen sie mit Genuss. Alle Schwimmer werden gefressen und
die beiden dümpeln sattgefressen so vor sich hin...



Fragt der Sohn: Aber warum haben wir zweimal diese Runden um die Schwimmer gezogen, wir hätten sie doch problemlos
gleich fressen können??



Antwortet der Vater: Ganz einfach: Leergeschissen schmecken sie besser!

Zitat:

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Was ist rosa und behindert?
Ein Flamongo!

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A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

@ gol ist bayern fan?

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Larry's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Larry's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Larry sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Zitat:

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Wie nennt man eine Türkin mit Holzbein?
AyÅŸe rustikal!

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lol fatzo, geile witze

Sie: "Schatz, sei bitte vorsichtig, ich bin noch Jungfrau"
Er: "Ok, dann dreh dich um, geschissen hast du ja wohl schonmal"


A Lion would never cheat on his wife... but a Tiger wood.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar … you suddenly realize who they are.

It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever.

You have two options:

You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people

NOW, Here's the question; and please give an honest answer ...

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Q: What's the latest pop group to come out of Haiti?
A: New Blocks On The Kids

Q: What do you get when you cross PMS with a GPS?
A: A fucking bitch that can find you ANYWHERE.

A man in need of some sexual gratification walks the streets of Vegas to find a prostitute. Coming across one late at night the man asks, "How much do you charge?"

"It starts at $500 for a hand job."

The man was totally blown away, and he got kind of pissed. "$500 dollars!? For a hand job!? Holy crap! No hand job is worth that kind of money!"

She then told him, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," she said, smiling, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."

The man couldn't believe his ears. He gets sex quite often so why would he pay this much for a hand job? He thought about it and decided "What the hell! You only live once." so he gave it a try.

They went back to his room at The Venetian. Twenty minutes later he was sitting on the bed, realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of the five hundred he paid. He was so amazed, he asked, "I suppose a blow job is $1,000?"

"$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"

She said, "step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The man, still sitting there in total disbelief over the hand job, said, "Sign me up, but let's go down and gamble a bit and then come up and go for round two."

They go down and play craps and he hits the casino for the cost of the BJ � and some more. And three hours after the mind-blowing hand job, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it. Top BJ of his life � better than any BJ he's ever gotten, so he asks: "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker said, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see the whole city of Las Vegas…laid out before us? All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?

The man readies himself for the number. He knows it's gonna be big, so huge he just wanted to know so he could laugh about it later.

"Well", the prostitute said, "If I had a pussy, I'd own it all."